Hey guys! So it’s been a really long time since I’ve written a blog post. It has been crazy busy catching up with everything coming home from my around the world trip, catching up with friends, going to school, and just other life stuff. So… a little update on my life: I came home from my around the world trip in July. Seriously for a long time it was so weird to be home. I thought I was dreaming… haha. A few weeks after I got home, my friends and I went to my grandma’s cabin. That was sooooo fun. We all had a blast. Then I started back in school at Eagle High. It feels so good to be a senior (ALMOST DONE!!) haha. Going back to school, it was good to reunite with everyone after being away for a year.
So there is something I thought I should share in this blog post. I want to be honest and share my experience. For the last few months (basically since I’ve come home) I have found a big change in me, a change I don’t like. I found that I was comparing myself to others. I would compare myself to my best friend. I would compare myself to other friends at school. I would get on Instagram and be so jealous of other people's lives, smartness, or beauty, etc.. Also for a while, I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I was wishing so bad that I could wake up the next morning and look like a typical person. I kept letting this happen for so long that I was feeling my shoulders get heavier and heavier. All this comparing has brought me down in other things. I was letting negative thoughts enter my head. For the first couple months these negative thoughts came in waves, then as time went on it became constant. I felt like I was drowning almost. I was (still am) confused why in the world this was (is) happening. I have always considered myself a positive person and I generally still do, but for the last 4 months I’ve had rare moments of positivity. I had some negative days in the past just occasionally (like anybody else) but never for a long period of time.
Part of the reason that I think all the sudden this has become a problem for me is because I’ve been living in Ghana/traveling for the last year. I’ve been in my element and not even worrying about the troubles in my life. I was so focused on other things. In Ghana, I have never been asked “what’s wrong your face?” I get stared at a lot over there but every obruni (white person) does. But now coming home, it’s like i’ve had to find myself all over again and remember the troubles I have to face. So basically for a year, it almost felt like all my troubles went away.
About three weeks ago, I had a “chin advancement” surgery. This changed my looks quite significantly. Before this surgery I was excited for the change. Then a few days before, I started to doubt if I should do it at this time or not do it at all. I thought about it pretty hard for the next few days and still didn’t find a clear answer. Then the night before surgery, I’m not sure what happened but I felt so much peace. I just like had an “I’m gonna crush this” feeling. I felt all the prayers from all my friends and family just roll in and I instantly knew it would all be okay. The next morning I went in for my surgery and everything was successful. Sitting in the hospital after surgery, I just felt SO happy to be done. I felt so relieved that all I had to do was go home and recover.
The next few days, I had a lot of swelling, mainly on the chin and a little by the eyes. I totally had a black eye. That was crazy. But anyway the day after surgery, I started getting negative thoughts in my head about my looks. I didn’t even want to look in the mirror. I was scared how long this swelling was going to last. And with all the swelling “covering” my actual face, I didn’t know what I actually looked like yet.
The week after my surgery was hard because of the recovery and not being able to see my real self yet. But then a few days later, I started loving it!! Like I genuinely was happy that day and like I hadn’t felt this way in a LONG time. I felt like I had my old self back. It was like magic. That whole week… I was having such a positive week. It was amazing. That Wednesday, I had my church group and before, I was debating whether to go or not, but boy, I’m so glad I went! I felt sooo good at that event just to see everyone and hear the talks that I needed to hear.
Since that church event, I’ve been thinking a lot about my individual worth. Individual worth is definitely something I’ve had to work on this year. I have come to realize that I can’t change the fact that I have Pfeiffer Syndrome. I can’t. So I need to accept that fact that I do have it and I NEED to find the best out of it. I need to find the positive from it. This has been really hard for me and honestly it still is!! Honestly I’ve learned that there literally is no point in comparing ourselves because it’s impossible to be that person. NONE OF US should compare ourselves to others!! You can never be the same person as someone else but you can be you. ;) I’ve had to remind myself, that I was put on this earth for a purpose. I have a mission to conquer my trials in this life. So does everyone else. We all have a different missions to accomplish in this life. We need to be the person we are. I’ve decided to seek help from a therapist. I had put this off for a long time, because I thought I could do it all alone. I didn’t want help because I didn’t want it to be a big deal. But after giving it a lot of thought… I realize that it’s ok to receive help. So I will say upfront that I do need help. If anybody is struggling or going through a hard time, SEEK HELP. It’s ok to do so.
I’m still in the middle of this trial but I am working on getting better. And I am getting better. :) I KNOW that this trial will pass and I will learn from it. It will all work out. :)
Thanks to my sister Madison for taking my pictures!! I love you lots and lots. :))
I found this quote the other day, it’s kinda long so I just attached a picture of it so you all can read it. :) I think this is one of my favorite quotes.
Another really good quote :)
“There’s no lemon so sour that you can’t make something resembling lemonade. - My favorite TV show ever - This Is Us.
This is just a quick shout out to my best friend for always being there. She has done a lot for me during this hard time and hasn't given up on me. :) Thanks for all you do. I love you tons Cadee.
even when you make fun of how short I am. ;)
Hope you all have a good day!! Thanks for reading and being my great supporters. :)
God is the gardener here. He knows what he wants you to be. :)